i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
