it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
