I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
