I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
