so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
