Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
