my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
