Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
