His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
