$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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