so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
