Old men and throwing up are my life now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
