sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
