i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sober January is a disaster.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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