just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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