No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
