Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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