Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
