I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
