Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
