I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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