I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everyone says I win the strip club
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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