Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
