I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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