Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
