he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
