there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
