Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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