I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
