I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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