I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
