Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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