Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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