I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
