he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
