My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
