whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
