Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
