I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
