I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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