I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
