Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
and i looked up. we had an audience...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
