I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
