Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
