i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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