I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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