Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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