I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
