just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
