you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
