can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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