I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
